Don't hold off on divorce until your kids are grown up - it could cause years of undue stress

Gates children
Yana Paskova / Stringer/Getty Images
  • Power couple Bill and Melinda Gates announced Monday that they're getting a divorce.

  • Their children are adults, but that doesn't mean the divorce is any easier for the family.

  • An expert says don't delay a divorce if your kids are young, it can cause years of undue stress.

  • Visit Insider's homepage for more stories.

Power couple Bill and Melinda Gates announced Monday that they will be getting a divorce after 27 years of marriage.

It's unclear what led to the divorce after 27 years of marriage and raising their three kids, who are now grown adults - Phoebe, 18, Rory, 21, and Jennifer, 25.

But Amy Morin, a psychotherapist and editor in chief of Verywell Mind, told Insider that parents considering divorce should not take the Gateses as a model to delaying divorce for the kids' sake.

Morin sees this a lot: Parents put off divorce until their kids are adults because they want to protect them from feeling sad, or they want to avoid hectic schedules of bouncing between two homes.

Beyond the initial news and going in between homes, Morin said parents stay married because they think attending events together, like school activities, is good for their kids.

Doing so, however, can cause lasting emotional damage on kids, and a parental divorce is hard for adults, too.

An unhappy marriage sets a skewed example of what a relationship looks like

Morin said that kids can pick up on the tension between their unhappy married parents even if the parents don't fight or talk about their problems. A tense marriage is also noticeable if their kids go to a friend's house and see a healthy, loving marriage.

Unhappy parents tend to create their own, separate rules for their kids even though they're under the same roof, according to Morin, which can cause a lot of stress.

They can also skew their kids' ideas of what a relationship is.

"They start to think that a romantic relationship or that love isn't about focusing on each other, it's about keeping secrets or it's about not talking about difficult things or it's about fighting all the time," Morin told Insider.

If you're considering a divorce, talk to a marriage counselor

Getting a divorce is a huge decision. That's why Morin recommends going to a marriage counselor to help you work through that decision, and sort out the details if you do decide to part ways.

A marriage counselor can suggest "what information should you give your kids and what, what information do they need not know," Morin said.

If you do get a divorce and the split is amicable, your kids may be shocked but can heal from the split.

In fact, Morin said some kids tend to feel relieved after a divorce and look at the bright side.

"I've had some kids be like, 'you know what this means, two Christmases,'" Morin said.

If you do decide to stay in an unhappy marriage for your kids, Morin said that can lead to years of extra, undue stress on your kids.

Delaying divorce until your kids are adults won't be any easier on them, either. That's why Morin recommends going to a marriage counselor to decide if a divorce is a right decision.

Read the original article on Insider