Sober dating has plenty of benefits, say experts: ‘The most genuine version of yourself’
For many, dating often means drinking. Whether you’re meeting up with a first date at a cocktail bar or toasting with a glass of Merlot over dinner, the consumption of alcohol can often play a role in getting to know someone. So what happens when you take alcohol off the menu completely when it comes to dating?
Dating while sober may seem like a rarity, but in fact, many people are questioning their relationship with alcohol, even if they’re not going sober for the more traditional reasons, such as having alcohol use issues or a health condition. In 2021, a survey from YouGov found that 15 percent of Americans planned on participating in Dry January, in which one forgoes alcohol for the month, up from 10% in 2020. Even if the sober lifestyle doesn’t stick, it proves that people are questioning their relationship with alcohol on a massive scale — which means that there are more people saying, “No, thanks” to seeing a wine list on their next first date.
Athena Simpson, a high performance coach, is one such person. In 2019, she embarked on a 90-day alcohol-free cleanse, and realized upon completion that her life had improved without drinking. She decided to make the move permanent, and is now more than three years sober.
While Simpson loves her sober lifestyle, it did bring about some challenges in her dating life.
“When you don’t drink, you hold up a mirror to people that do drink and sometimes they don’t want to look in that mirror," she tells Yahoo Life. "That’s when you get people who are uncomfortable with you not drinking or trying to convince you to have a drink. It has nothing to do with your not-drinking and everything to do with them feeling judged."
She adds: "About 10 months into not drinking, I had a big realization that I actually didn’t know how to date without sex and booze. It was like I almost used those two things to avoid real connection. So I decided to go celibate for a year to do a ‘hard reset’ and relearn how to relate to men, to learn what was important for me and what I actually needed/wanted from dating.”
Now, Simpson is back to dating — and says that not drinking has helped her realize when she forms a real connection with someone.
“What I’ve realized is there is a significant difference between chemistry and compatibility,” Simpson explains. “Removing sex and booze allows you to tap back into that feeling you have in your stomach about someone and actually start listening to it. When I date someone now I’m always paying attention to how I physically feel around them. If I start physically tensing up or feel uneasy, I listen to that. Before I might have drank a few drinks to ‘calm myself down’ when I actually should have been listening to my nerves. They know when a guy isn’t right for us!”
Holistic life coach and alcohol-free lifestyle expert Amanda Kuda agrees that’s a major plus to not drinking, telling Yahoo Life, “Dating is a scenario where your nerves are on edge a little bit. People tend to think that if they can loosen up they’ll be better in conversation. The subtle thing that happens when you are drinking as a social lubricant is that you are robbing yourself of that opportunity to get to know someone. If the person on the other side of the table is potentially ‘the one’ for you, you want to be the most genuine version of yourself, and you want them to be the most genuine version of them.”
Keith Smith, the host of the sex and relationship podcast Your Mileage May Vary, isn’t completely sober, but he does forego alcohol for the first two months of the year as a reset. He tells Yahoo Life that he’s had some awkward experiences after drinking on a date — such as not being able to remember the name of the woman he went out with. Dating while sober, however, can be challenging in its own way.
“Dating sober is more challenging for me," Smith shares. "I'm more self-conscious, more concerned about awkwardness, and more neurotic when I'm sober. I micro-analyze everything and am probably a little less pleasant to be around. Dating involves a back and forth, and even though alcohol slows my mind down a bit, I think it also makes me a little more engaging.”
Amanda White, the author of Not Drinking Tonight and the creator of the Instagram account @therapyforwomen, says that, while it can be tricky to navigate dating while sober, there are a few things you can do to make sure you have a successful first date, sans any awkwardness around alcohol consumption.
“The easiest way is to bring it up before a date,” White tells Yahoo Life. “You can say, ‘I’m taking a break from drinking right now,’ or ‘I’m on a health kick and I’m not looking to drink right now.’ You can gauge their intentions and whether it’s a good fit for you, and eliminate awkwardness right off the bat. Right now in a male-female dynamic, when someone says, ‘Let’s go for a drink,’ you can say, ‘I’d really love to go get coffee or ice cream instead.’”
In fact, White says, you can even use sobriety as a way to get a little more creative about your dating plans.
“We can really fall into a rut with dating, where we just do the same thing over and over again,” White explains. “One cool benefit of not drinking on a date is that it has you come up with more creative ideas, if you expand beyond a bar. You might go for a hike, or explore a new restaurant that you might not have thought of.”
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