How to tell them you ‘just want to be friends’
Dear Lady and The Scamp,
I will be 40 this year and no word of a lie, I get people thinking I am in my early to mid 20s - and no, it's not just people being nice. Anyhow, there is a young guy that I like - he is 31 and a very sexy young man. We had sex once but things got messy. We got chatting again but he had things going on in his life and I felt like an old fool throwing myself at this young guy. The thing is, I really like him and we have a lot in common.
We have started talking again via email and he always replies. The thing is I really just want to be his friend but I think he thinks I might be after more. I am not saying I don't fancy him but I really don't want anything more than his friendship. How do I get him to be easy with being my friend and not afraid that I will pounce on him?
Mrs Robinson
Kevin says:
So, he's "very sexy", you "fancy" him and you've already had sex. Yet you're not interested? It might be tough to convince him of that - you haven't even managed to convince me.
If you ask him out as a mate and he says no, it's not necessarily because he thinks you're going to pounce on him. Maybe he already has enough friends and can't be bothered.
But if he says yes, you can prove you don't fancy him in the best way possible - by not shagging him, or trying to shag him, or even considering shagging him. Then you can be friends forever.
If, on the other hand, you find yourself longingly checking out his buns every time he struts to the bar, then please at least admit to yourself that you want a piece. I'm sure he won't hold it against you. Many sexy men are instilled with an arrogant belief that all women fancy them anyway, so he'll just think you're normal.
And by the way, lots of men prefer older women. Obviously not really old ones like Margaret Thatcher or Mariah Carey, but some of the others. So if you're as much of a catch as you say you are, I don't think the idea of you two hooking up is so fanciful.
The worst case scenario is that you meet him just as a friend, get distracted by his buns, pounce on him and he says "no thanks, Margaret Thatcher" while Mariah Carey plays in the background.
But that's highly unlikely - you hardly ever hear her played these days.
Christine says:
I'm not sure what the issue is here. You seem to be worrying about a problem that doesn't exist. If you don't want a sexual relationship with him and just want to be friends then it sounds like that's what you've got. Unless of course you would like that and Mrs Robinson is protesting too much…
There's absolutely nothing wrong with an older woman dating a younger guy. Men have had the monopoly on being high-fived for having a younger model on their arm for years; whereas women have been looked upon as desperate old sadbags who embarrassingly hurl themselves at lithe young men on a dancefloor, like tired salmon trying to swim upstream.
The fact is times have changed. You say you don't look 40, but even if you did, older women are often more experienced, more financially and emotionally stable and more independent. What's not to like about that?
If you really think that's not what either you or, let's call him Dustin Hoffman for now, want then just carry on with your friendship as it is. Whatever you do, don't say: 'I really don't want to have sex with you again' because all that sounds like is: 'I really want to have sex with you again'.
Forget about the past and show him you can be good friends without getting drunk and trying to touch his train set. Or embrace how you feel about him, put on your best dress and take him to Cougar Town! Miaow!
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