Signs he doesn’t want something serious
Dear Lady and The Scamp,
I am in a weird situation, which he calls a "strong casual relationship". Is this the same as an open relationship? He's still looking and dating around but I cannot do the same because I have fallen for him and am now in a bit of grey area. He has been honest since the beginning. He's happy with his dating life and me. He doesn't want us to break up (he said the decision is on me). I am his 'serious' relationship at the moment. And he has been 'hinting' that we may end up together in a special and exclusive way (maybe not too). Lately he even 'suggested' a proper relationship. But he doesn't know when… he might even keep dating forever. Why does he get my hopes up but then not give up his dating life?
Please advise. I really like him, and if I have to end this, I need to find reasons that makes sense to him (he's very logical).
RLA
Kevin says:
I'm surprised this guy has time to date so many women. He must spend at least a few hours a day slapping down high fives from other men. Let's recap: he's managed to have a girlfriend (albeit a "strong casual" one) and date whoever he wants... without being deemed a love rat? The man is a genius.
And I love that he's even devised a tiered system to categorise each relationship, so "strong casual" is a step up from "casual". Well done you! Just a few more tiers until you reach the top - presumably "marriage relationship". I wonder what's at the bottom — "jogging buddy relationship"?
So yes, your strong casual boyfriend sounds like a legend. The only problem is that he's clearly a terrible person to go out with.
Perhaps if you're in one of those lower levels like "swingers' party companion relationship" or "quick grope in exchange for occasional DIY work relationship", then it's fine. But when you get to "strong casual" and above, The Genius' system starts to fall apart.
Those higher levels are where you want to be... but they are out of reach because they're not compatible with the lower ones, which he apparently wants to keep.
And this is precisely the logical way you can explain to him why he's dumped. He can carry on bamboozling his harem with syntax but if he wants a proper girlfriend, his system is flawed. Or in a language he understands, say you are downgrading to "ex-strong casual relationship".
Christine says:
This guy sounds amazing. Cruising around hinting, implying and suggesting the moon on a stick to you — maybe, if you're lucky. He's like the Milk Tray man — one that can't ski and therefore can't guarantee a delivery date, although it might be between nine and six any weekday so you'll have to stay in and wait.
It's quite clever: he's managed to keep you around, date other people and give the impression he's a fabbo honest guy. He says these things because he wants to keep you available to him but he's stringing you along… like a cat chasing, well, a giant piece of string. He doesn't have to change anything because you're there when he fancies it and you're not complaining when he's whispering rubbish nothings to another woman.
He doesn't have to live a monogamous life, that's his choice. But it's your choice if you put up with it.
Give him an old-fashioned ultimatum: the situation was fine for you when it started out - but it isn't anymore. Relationships aren't about logic; they're about commitment and love. Do it properly or you're off.
If you're important enough to him, this will be his wake-up call. But if he prefers faffing around in wine bars trying to logic other women into bed, then let him.
You will then be free to meet someone who doesn't constantly think there'll be someone better round the corner.
He'll run out of women prepared to put up with his mediocre behaviour one day, and he'll end up living alone, probably doing logic puzzles and wishing he'd learnt to ski.
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