Claude Giroux is biting jerseys and wiping boogers and gross (Video)

“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I’m the lead physician for Hockey Monitoring Mumps Measles, Muscus and Mirsey, a.k.a. HMMMMM…

“We’ve instructed the members of the National Hockey League to do what they can to stop the spread of infectious diseases, lest anyone wish to see Sidney Crosby do another media availability looking like he’s hiding a boomerang in his cheek.

“To that end, we present this short feature called ‘How To Not Spread Bodily Fluids And Be Generally Gross, Starring Claude Giroux of the Philadelphia Flyers.

“Here we see Mr. Giroux, once called the best player in the world by the current coach of the Nashville Predators, taking off his glove, bringing his finger to his face and then vigorously wiping his hand on the back of a linesman before a faceoff against the Tampa Bay Lightning. The common theory here is that Mr.. Giroux is applying a viscous colloid, a.k.a. a ‘booger’ to the official’s shirt, a common practice among second graders but a bit of a lost art in pro hockey.

“While some are quick to blame Mr. Giroux, we believe this is a general failure on the part of the National Hockey League to not have small boxes of Kleenex attached to the belts of each on-ice official.

“Later in the week, Mr. Giroux was playing the Florida Panthers when he leaned over and began gnawing on the sweater of defenseman Erik Gudbranson.

“This, again, is curious and troublesome behavior at a time when mumps are affecting true superstars of the game like Sidney Crosby and Corey Perry as well as Tanner Glass. Recent statistics show there are currently more NHL players with the mumps than there would have been fans in the stands had this game been played in Sunrise.

“But, again, we can’t put the blame on Mr. Giroux. Clearly it’s the responsibility of the National Hockey League to have more snacks readily available around the ice for the players. A bowl of peanuts near the benches. Maybe a Cliff bar in the penalty box. Had they been, we believe Mr. Giroux would have relented from chewing on synthetic fibers or, potential, human shoulder flesh.

“In summary, we here at HMMMMM excuse this pattern of seemingly gross, yucky and grucky behavior from Mr. Giroux in recent games.

“Although, admittedly, we don’t have any medical explanation for that whole grabbing a cop’s buttocks thing without a definitive measurement of his blood alcohol levels …”