'Dancing With the Stars' Recap: My Jam Monday
How far the Redfoo has fallen. Once an esteemed guest judge, Monday night’s mission-oriented mechanic was kindly asked to juicy wiggle his way out of the ballroom as the entirety of social media LMFAO. And it gets worse: Less than one-tenth of one percent of the viewer vote separated Redfoo from the second-least popular contestant, who may or may not be Suzanne Somers.
On one hand, it’s not fair: No one should be rejected from Dancing With the Stars the same night he wears sparkly overalls. But on the other: Redfoo couldn’t really dance. Erin Andrews’s favorite part of his and Emma’s jive was their smiles. So yeah. It’s fine.
(One-time disclosure: In the spirit of “My Jam Monday,” yesterday was my first day working at Dancing With the Stars. I’m helping put together the 10th anniversary special, which will air in May. I’m trying to be cool and not use exclamation points, but this is some very uncomfortable “choreo.” Time to stop.)
Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhh-ber!
Nastia Liukin and Derek Hough: 34/40 The first 9s of the season went to our New York City kids and their rumba “inspired by the Hudson River” (LOL Tom, though those beautiful sunset shots stirred my emotions even harder than Carrie Ann’s dramatic pause for tears). Gymnasts aren’t allowed to show their feelings, but Nastia is a blossoming flower now. She’s become one of us; her flow is as flawless as the open water. Never stop wandering around rivers, folks. “That turn into a drop” can transform you for life.
Riker Lynch and Allison Holker: 32/40 Clearly onto Derek’s strong aquatic game, Allison slicked down Riker’s wild land-lubber hair and gushed forth an elegant foxtrot to her partner’s jam, “Sugar” by Maroon 5. We could see Riker’s eyes this week! There they were, just regular eyes. Carrie Ann marveled at Riker’s ability to “move the space” in the dance. It’s too bad he couldn’t move the bridge instead, so we could see his feet.
Willow Shields and Mark Ballas: 32/40 Choreographing an Argentine tango for a 14-year-old is no small feat, but innovative splatter-master Mark totally pulled it off in his and Willow’s homage to the “Somebody That I Used to Know” video. Hello! The costuming alone deserved a 9. Bruno kept his language in accordance with pop art, complimenting Willow’s incredible shades and lines. The judges agreed she’s a potential winner. And it’s only Week 2!
Rumer Willis and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 32/40 Surely the next great piece of pop art (still a thing?) will be Won’t You Be My Valentin? — a shimmery grid of a hot-ass dancer’s multiple, though identical, attempts to mimic the seemingly emotionless face of Bruce Willis. If you can create that canvas, please do, and send me a JPEG I can use as my desktop. I would tile that s—t in a heartbeat. But this is supposed to be Rumer, who HAS IT. Bruno raved about her “pin-sharp sense of purpose” after their hard-stepping cha cha. I loved everything about this dance and would die hard for Rumer’s earrings. Perhaps I should put my money where my mouth is, embody DWTS: All Access like it’s my job, and hunt down those gems.
Robert Herjavec and Kym Johnson: 28/40 Isn’t Disney Week supposed to be next Monday? (Yay!) Robert and Kym’s cuddly foxtrot looked just like a fairy tale with all those pastels, hedges, the rosy painted backdrop, and Kym’s elaborate braid. Plus, they might be secret lovers. Disney all the way. And of course we’re probably all familiar with that classic Disney trope of “driving the Johnson as well as LaFerrari.” Bruno (the dog) wanted to remind us, just in case. I must admit I was both appalled and delighted at Julianne’s fierce attempt to mimic a lesser-known Disney trope, the Len Goodman “Seh-vehhhhhhhn!”
Patti Labelle and Artem Chigvintsev: 28/40 To close out the show, Miss Patti smiled through the knee injury and embodied “My Jam Monday” more than any other contestant with a riveting boob-press set to 50 Cent’s “In Da Club.” Sure, why not? It was recently her 70th birthday, people! Show some respect and grab your own chest. Bruno was so into this dance that he proceeded to plug Fox’s hit new series Empire. Fancy some Cookie with that salsa? “Nothing’s gonna stop Patti but Patti.”
Michael Sam and Peta Murgatroyd: 28/40 Sure, this season’s footballer is busy, but relax your skeleton-back tank top, Peta. He’s working his way back to you, bum-first, with about 50 percent focus. Hey, it was good enough for this week’s foxtrot, which featured improved footwork, a few pointed toes, and — most important — the most sparkly red jacket I have ever seen. It’s Season 20, you know. That’s a lot of time to shine.
Suzanne Somers and Tony Dovolani: 28/40 It’s not sleaze. It’s a tease. Tell that to your kids the next time you drape yourself in pink fringe and do a whole lotta shakin’ atop a leopard-print piano. Do it. The 68-year-old won me over with her call to action for women to follow her lead (thigh-first): “It’s not about your age, it’s about your energy.” Still, I wonder if Suzanne could have put a little more thrust into her mid-jive shimmy. I just want her to throttle her bosom as hard as Tony does. Is that too much to ask? (Definitely.)
Noah Galloway and Sharna Burgess: 27/40 Who needs decent scores when there’s a hidden gem waiting in the wings of the Celebriquarium? Production reunited our war hero with his girlfriend Jamie — who’d been away at basic training for six months — two days earlier than expected.
And to think this segment would’ve been thrilling enough with merely Noah’s finely sculpted eight-pack in play during their samba! Once Noah’s “Homegrown Honey” had nestled into his bare chest, the tears flowed ballroom-wide. There was no stopping this river, and why would anyone want to? “The way you know how to manipulate energy and flow…” Carrie Ann had trailed off. It was special.
Charlotte McKinney and Keo Motsepe: 26/40 Shame on you, social media. How dare you make the pretty blond girl cry? But enough self-centered whining about my painful blogging career. The Hamboobglar and Keo totally out-danced all those beach balls in their “California Gurls” cha cha that Len called “fun, kinky, and better than last week.” Yet despite some solid efforts from Charlotte’s Lisa Frank folder of a dress and Keo’s sparkle-shouldered open shirt, the real stars of this segment were Sasha Farber and Jenna Johnson in their crustacean costumes. Having worked in production for one whole day, I can triple confirm: Dancing With the Stars has crabs.
Sooooo many crabs.
Chris Soules and Witney Carson: 21/40 Chris and his younger, bouncier Witney muddled through a difficult cha cha after a frustrating week of the Bachelor doing his own thing instead of learning choreography. “I don’t get the counting,” he explained. To distract from her partner’s confusion, Witney wisely donned bejeweled thigh strands. Another upside: Bruno seized the opportunity to call Chris “much more erect” than he’d been on Week 1. “So you watched him on The Bachelor, too,” quipped Tom.
Pop-Up Gem-Jam of the Night:
Tom Bergeron, “Born to Stand Jive”
Carrie Ann’s Challenge for the Long Week Ahead: “Think of your feet as an extension of your legs.”
Good luck, Sparklebarfers. See you next Tuesday!
XOXO,
Fringe Fairy
