Flirt Across America: How to Thaw the Seattle Freeze

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Seattle is a great city for dating….if you know its tricks. (Photo: Thinkstock)

Yahoo Travel Associate Editor Greg Keraghosian spent several years as a professional dating coach for men (no, we can’t believe it either). For those interested in romance when they travel, this is the first in a series where he examines the flirting terrain for women and men in cities around the world.

No, the Seattle Freeze is not a pro hockey team.  It is a chilly, invisible, “talk-to-the-hand” reputation that the city’s single men and women know all too well. Try to flirt with a stranger in Seattle, the legend says, and you’ll get smacked down by The Freeze.

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Is The Freeze real, or some kind of romantic Sasquatch? Is it even worth trying to light a spark here if you’re visiting when so many locals complain about it? I coached the beleaguered single men of Seattle from 2008-10 and have my own opinions from visiting there, but I wanted to get some more recent perspectives from Seattle residents.

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Are the men and women of Seattle freezing one another out? (Photo: Thinkstock)

Some of their answers surprised me, and I’ll share them soon. But first, let’s examine the advanced pickup metrics in Seattle. Single guys, brace yourselves:

Ranking for availability of singles (out of 48 major U.S. cities): 45*

Ranking for availability of single women (out of 48): 46**

Number of single men per 100 single women:  118*** (15th highest out of 50 major cities)

Those aren’t pretty numbers for anyone, especially the men. Seattle is a tech city, with Microsoft and Amazon among the biggest employers, and it recently prompted a frustrated Census analysis by a single male tech consultant there. In his experience, the abundance of tech dudes has created a paradox of choice for women, in which they’d rather rebuff every guy who comes within arm’s reach.

single men and women chart
single men and women chart

Single men greatly outnumber single women in Seattle (Chart: Seattle Times)

I sought out a Seattle dating coach, Kate L. Stewart, for her opinion, and I was surprised at her candor about both the Freeze and the degree of difficulty for men, be they locals or visitors.

“Seattle IS very frosty,” she said in an email. “As a Seattle native, I have been pleasantly surprised, over and over again, by how friendly other places are, even other West Coast cities like Portland or Los Angeles.

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“It’s definitely tougher to meet singles in Seattle, specifically for men … The tech industry has imported a lot of brilliant people to the area, but those brilliant people have also probably been focused on school more than socializing in their early life.”

While women have a statistical advantage for hooking up in Seattle, many have cited that last point by Stewart: the odds are good, but the goods are odd. Men just don’t know how to start a conversation there.

“I definitely see the validity in the theory,” said Gennette, who was born in Seattle, of the Freeze (she was in relationships most of her years there). “Also, having now lived in New York for two years, I can tell you that—for whatever reason—the guys in Seattle certainly seem to be abnormally reserved.”

I found it ironic that while all the women I asked about the Freeze said it exists, it was a tech-employed male resident—my friend Harry—who was the most skeptical.

“I think it’s a term for people who don’t know how to meet people,” he told me.

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He’s not just blowing smoke. I’ve hung out with Harry many times in Seattle, and the man has game in the most admirable sense—he’s simply good at being direct and friendly with people in a non-creepy way, and as such he hasn’t lacked for female company.

The Freeze may be real, but that means it’s real for everyone, and everyone wants a little warmth. If you’re passing through Seattle, follow these tips:

For the women: This is not a city where you can simply post up at a bar or lie down in a park and expect male attention. This goes for both sexes, but common interests are the gateway to meeting the guys here.

Are you a book person, an outdoors person, or a Seahawks fan? Do some research before you get to town and find some activities you’re into, and the social avenues to exploring them.

“One crucial thing to know is that people here tend to hang out with others based not on proximity but on shared interests,” said Christy Karras, a contributor to Yahoo Travel who is married and lives in Seattle. “Tons of people make initial contact here through Meetup. There are singles-specific groups, or you could just look at the site in advance and tag along with any group of people who’re interested in what you are.”

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For the men: This isn’t Woman Waterloo, guys. I coached some shy students in Seattle, and with just a little (OK, sometimes a lot of) encouragement, many were able to get phone numbers, dates, and more. While I was on the clock, I met some fun women up there myself. One piece of advice: If you want to approach women in Seattle bars, do it earlier in the night, when the girls are more plentiful and the guys haven’t gotten too drunk or aggressive (especially in Belltown).

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Bonding over books is a thing that actually happens in Seattle. (Photo: Thinkstock)

If you want to flirt over books: Unlike in many American cities, the bookstore isn’t dead here. You have to do something with all that rain, after all.The Elliott Bay Book Company is a hit with locals, is open till 11 p.m. on weekends, and has various book groups you can join. Less colorful is the Barnes & Noble in Pacific Place, but I coached there often and saw several students initiate instant dates from the book aisle to the coffee shop. One of them walked up to a girl, said something about the book she was looking at, and eventually left the store with her. I didn’t hear from him until after they’d spent the following 48 hours together.

If you want to flirt with yuppies: The Belltown district is young and upscale with the greatest concentration of nightlife, and we met some women there who broke the Freeze stereotype. The most socializing happens here, but it also turns into a Type-A, “high-five, bro” frat party later at night. If you don’t mind that, you can hit up Amber (I coached many bootcamps here) or the Trinity Nightclub in nearby Pioneer Square.

If you want artsy flirting: Check out the SAM Remix, an eclectic art, music, and dance party put on four times a year by the Seattle Art Museum. The next one will be held Aug. 22, outside at the Olympic Sculpture Park.

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Hipsters congregate at the Cha Cha Lounge. (Photo: Cha Cha Lounge)

If you want to flirt with hipsters: My favorite nightspot for coaching was the Cha Cha Lounge in Capitol Hill. There are several other indie-type bars within walking distance you can hit up as well.

If you want to get picked up by a Seahawks player: They’re known to party at Peso’s Kitchen & Lounge in Lower Queen Anne.

If you want tech-assisted flirting: When in Nerd Rome, do what Nerd Romans do. As you might expect from a tech hub, a lot of people play the online game here, and Tinder, a location-based dating app, is especially popular with the younger crowd. You could even use non-dating social-media apps to meet locals here.

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Head to Pike Place to pick up on a fellow tourist. (Photo: Thinkstock)

If you want to flirt with fellow tourists: The Pike Place area is where the out-of-towners collect, and you can go all old school by flirting with someone at the original Starbucks. At night the area boasts some high-quality bars, including the Zig Zag Café. Another tourist-friendly spot is the famous postcard view near Kerry Park in Queen Anne. Offer to take someone’s picture, then let them picture themselves with you.

For outdoorsy flirting: A big complaint among haters of the Freeze is the rainy Seattle weather, which makes it trickier to strike up a conversation in the park or anyplace outside. But not everyone says that’s a valid excuse.

“It’s rainy, wet, and cold here,” Harry told me. “Deal with it.”

Although Seattle only gets an average of 58 clear days a year, each of those days amounts to a citywide holiday where locals are bound to flock outside. Madison Park Beach is a popular hangout, as are the local dog parks and the beer garden at Seattle Mariners games.

There are Meetups geared around hiking and other outdoor activities. Also, keep an eye out for music festivals, a big deal in Seattle – the Capitol Hill Block Party goes from July 25-27 this year.

If you want some LGBT flirting: Neighbours in Capitol Hill is an after-hours club that’s a favorite among gays and straights. Also popular are Pony in Capitol Hill and Diesel Seattle downtown.  And for the tech inclined, there is also the Grindr app.

If you like caffeinated flirting: With an average of 35 coffee shops per 100,000 residents, no one does java like Seattle. Capitol Hill and the University area both have clusters of attractive folks in coffee shops. During my last coaching session there, I saw a guy effortlessly compliment a girl at a coffee shop on her bracelet and wind up with her number.

If your flirting leads to a first date: For drinks, Rob Roy is a chill cocktail bar in Belltown that has ample sex appeal.

* and **Based on Facebook analysis of its user profiles in October 2013.

*** Based on Seattle Times examination of 2010-12 Census data

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