Every Mother's Worst Nightmare: An Intimate Chat with Cate Edwards About Losing Her Mom to Cancer
OK, I know this is not fun to thing about, but when you become a parent, you can't help it: What would happen if you weren't there to raise your child? It's natural to wonder and hopefully, you don't obsess about it too much. But when you have cancer and kids, that fear is a little more tangible.
As a cancer patient/survivor and someone who took a risk to have children (I had to stop treatment to conceive and carry three pregnancies), I have some experience with this line of thinking. I've worried and wondered and what-iffed. And I've seen far too many parents lose their battles to these terrible diseases, leaving behind their children
Last week I had the opportunity to meet Cate Edwards, the daughter of John and the late Elizabeth Edwards. Cate was in New York City launching a new program called "Count Us" which brings support and resources to the advanced breast cancer community. As you probably know, Elizabeth Edwards died of breast cancer in 2010. Cate, her eldest daughter, was by her mother's side when she was originally diagnosed in 2004, and again in 2007 when the cancer metastacized to her bones and they learned that it was incurable. Toward the end, she'd lie in bed with her mom all day just watching HGTV or, if it was a good day, go to D.C. for some outlet shopping ("My mom loved a good bargain!" Cate says).
I met Cate in her hotel room and we chatted about her work with Count Us, her mom, and how she copes with the huge void of her death. Being that I'm eight months pregnant and a survivor, I teared up as she told me how she still picks up the phone to call her mom sometimes and that she keeps a journal to her ("Dear Mom" instead of "Dear Diary"). And of course thinking of her younger brother and sister who were only 10 and 12 when Elizabeth died. I cannot imagine what it must have been like for Elizabeth to know that she was leaving her children. But learning about the woman she was, I imagine she did everything within her power to give them the strength and love to carry on. One of her mantras: "The best thing you can give your kids is wings because you won't always be there to bring food back to the nest."
Here are some snippets from our conversation….
On why Cate got involved with the Count Us program…
"I felt like I owed it to my mom to continue her work and be part of this community that she was involved with. It's a chance to talk about this disease and talk about my mom's experiences in a way that hopefully other people can connect with and find comfort in."
Why is this program so important?
"I wish I had a resource like this when we were going through it. I think my mom probably did feel isolated at times. We hear so much about early stage breast cancer — detection and screening — but advanced stage breast cancer is not something you hear about and women living with it face a very different set of challenges. My mom didn't know if she was going to live for a few months, a few weeks or years — with that uncertainty, how do you approach treatment? How do you approach life?"
On how her two young siblings have coped with their mom's passing…
"Emma and Jack were 10 and 12 when she died. They were more graceful about it in a lot of ways than I was because my mind focused on everything I would miss. I got to spend 28 years with my mom and she was engrained in every part of my life. They wanted to stay in the moment with her and spend as much time as possible together. It was important for my mom to show her kids that when something like this happens, you don't just walk away and hide in a hole, you keep living your life and you do it maybe even with more purpose."
On her mom still being the voice in her head…
"It's been three years since my mom passed away and I think about her every single day. I'm an attorney and say I'm putting together a brief — I'm a perfectionist with that brief, because my mom said 'everything you do, do it the best you can.'
On wanting kids of her own…
"I definitely want kids and I think about my mom not being there a lot. Obviously it's going to be really difficult because there will be many things I'll want to ask her and I won't be able to. But it's an opportunity to talk about her and to make her alive for someone new. I'm hopeful that I can be the kind of mother that she was, and through that process, my kids would get to know her."
On whether missing her mom gets easier...
"I still pick up the phone and then realize I can't call her. I would call her about the silliest decisions. Like whether I should start watching The Tudors and if she'd watch with me. I mean, just the silliest things. Something happened the other day — some actress did something — and I immediately thought, I have to talk to my mom about this!"
On coping toward the end...
"Not knowing how much time there would be, my mom lived each day to the fullest. We took a girls' trip with my sister to Paris and had dinner on top of the Eiffel Tower. One of her best days was when my aunt and her friend came to the house and they made a big batch of brownie mix and didn't cook it, they just ate it out of the bowl. My mom called me after and said, that was just a great day, just a bunch of girls sitting around eating raw brownie mix."
On why she's so happy to be involved in Count Us...
"It's helpful to know that you're not alone, that there are others who have the same experiences. To feel like you're part of a community is really important and that's something that the Count Us campaign is doing. If you go to the website you can get counted as a supporter, a patient, a family member."
Isn't she awesome? I was totally inspired and amazed by her strength. I only hope that I can teach my children the kind of poise, passion and perseverance that Elizabeth Edwards clearly instilled in hers. Oh, and after the interview we chatted about Cate's time working at Vanity Fair and about her name. Kate is one of our options for our third baby, due soon, and asked her if she liked being a Cate. She gave her stamp of approval.
