'Dancing With the Stars' Recap: A Dress is a Wish Your Heart Makes

When you’re fast asleep, you might have strange, magical visions of a ballroom gone pleasantly mad. Goofy and Pluto are running the cameras, Tinkerbell’s zapping Tom Bergeron with sparkle-darts, and Val Chmerkovskiy’s jamming his little heart out on a light-up violin. Suddenly you realize: This “Be Our Guest” techno remix from Beauty and the Beast is no lark. It’s real. It’s all happening, as if on command! As long as you keep on believing that Dancing With the Stars will never disappoint on Disney Night, the dream that you wish will come true.

Sadly, Marla Maples was excluded from the wonderful world of Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah after taking her mind-body equilibrium habit one handstand too far.

And her dreams of being “Part of This World” until at least Week 6 or 7 shattered like so many shards of the coveted mirrorball trophy — or more fittingly, like that shell necklace the pseudo-Ariel wore in The Little Mermaid. Props to Donald Trump’s ex and her pro partner Tony Dovolani (who made a stunning Prince Eric) for giving this week’s waltz their best shot.

Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhh-ber!

Paige VanZant and Mark Ballas: 36/40 I’m a little confused about whether Paige did or did not have friends before age 18 — she kept changing her backstory, but what do you expect? She’s both a doll and a fighter. Living moment to moment is her lifestyle. Naturally Paige and Mark made a rather lifelike Woody and Jessie in a difficult, athletic quickstep inspired by Toy Story.

Hate on Mark for being eternally cray-cray if you want, but using the green army guys as non-invasive dance backups was a genius move.

Ginger Zee and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 36/40 Their foxtrot, set to “Belle” or “Bonjour” from Beauty and the Beast, was another example of effective Troupe incorporation, this time a whirling mess of drab, provincial clothing. Production value aside, though, I cannot abide by the glaring logical fallacy here: Belle would never dance with Gaston! He is the worst kind of cretin! A rat-tailed beast among men! I just thought it was weird they didn’t even address this in their intro or deliberately rejigger Belle and Gaston’s relationship for dramatic effect during the dance. Did Val even have to be Gaston? Why not make him the bookshop owner’s surprisingly sexy son or something? Or hell, the bookshop owner himself. He gave her that book of fairy tales for free! Obviously he wanted something more from her, and chances are it was a foxtrot.

Val is not roughly the size of a barge. Merci but non. Harrumph.

Len called Ginger and Val’s romp through small-town France “undoubtedly, for me, the best dance of the season,” and then I think he might have thought “Be Our Guest” was still happening (maybe it was — who’s to say what goes on in Grumpy’s heart?) because he referred to it as “a tasty dish with a hint of tango on a bed of foxtrot with a dressing of musicality and style.” He’s a regular Lumière, our Lenny.

Antonio Brown and Sharna Burgess: 35/40 It took all the strength I had not to stare at Sharna and her shiny Princess Jasmine pants instead of Antonio and his fedora, who gamely took center stage during their Aladdin-inspired jazz.

The updated “cool cat” remix of “Friend Like Me” did work for Antonio, but I’m still shocked he outscored most of the others. “You’ve been pimped for the top!” cried Bruno Tonioli, overselling his opinion like a jewelry hawker on the streets of Agrabah. Let’s not be too hasty, okay?

Oh, hey, it’s two local lions ready to party.

Wanya Morris and Lindsay Arnold: 35/40 This Boyz II Men star really does “get” Dancing With the Stars — he understands without being told that the “Circle of Life” refers to not only all that animal kingdom stuff from The Lion King but the delicate, mind-blurring spin of Planet Mirrorballus as it full-tilts its way across the Glitter Galaxy. That’s why he’s a Season 22 frontrunner. Well, that and the “primal, powerful side” he displayed during tonight’s samba, according to Carrie Ann. Speaking of which….

Nyle DiMarco and Peta Murgatroyd: 34/40 Yep. You’re welcome. Tarzan has spoken, and all he needed was dat ass. Nyle and Peta’s samba accurately depicted their partnership, a nonverbal bond based on mutual understanding and incredible abs. Oh, he’ll show you musicality, Carrie Ann. Give this deaf man a set of bongos and let the rhythm fly!

“We won the Emmy for Best Supporting Loincloth,” Bruno informed the audience, who were all on the edge of their seats waiting for the results of that esteemed category.

And the Emmy for Best Dolphin Dive goes to…

Kim Fields and Sasha Farber: 32/40 …Real Housewife of Atlanta Kim, who was so bedazzled by Bruno’s assertion that she had both a raging case of “jungle fever” and her shoulders under control during the quickstep that she nearly sawed herself in half trying to hug the guy. The Facts of Life actress settled for a large bruise on her midsection and a long-lasting lipstick smear on Bruno’s pristine white jacket.

“I felt like, wooooooooooot!” helpfully pointed out guest judge Zendaya.

Von Miller and Witney Carson: 32/40 Something had to give on Week 4, and it probably wasn’t gonna be her partner’s thoroughly indifferent attitude. So Witney did what any enterprising young princess would do: Wore a dreamy gown so flowy and beautiful that viewers and judges alike would have no choice but to become mesmerized by the couple’s Viennese waltz.

Is there a Prince Charming in the room? All I see are tiered ruffles and PURE DISNEY MAGIC! That stagecoach in the background, by the way, is the original prop from the 2015 version of Cinderella. At the stroke of 10 p.m., Von rushed inside, grabbed shotgun, farted, and vanished. (He wishes!)

Jodie Sweetin and Keo Motsepe: 27/40 I felt for Jodie this week as she got sacked with dancing the cha cha alongside the Shakira-based animated gazelle from Zootopia. Gazelle does not share the spotlight gently, and I noticed some tension between the two leading ladies. Sometimes they weren’t even looking at each other.

The Full House star admitted she couldn’t hear the music over the crowd’s high-pitched cheers, but I bet she was just being diplomatic and Gazelle somehow sabotaged Jodie’s footwork, too, that bitch!

Len likened Jodie and Keo’s shoddy but effervescent routine to a pimple on the nose, and then Erin just had to go and TMI the situation with her scary tale of persistent cystic acne. I’m pretty sure that is not what Gazelle meant by “Try Everything.”

Doug Flutie and Karina Smirnoff: 24/40 "I consider myself a passionate person,” Doug explained while rehearsing on the road. “When I go into something, I’m all in.” Annihilating the stupid cane they were supposed to use in their stupid jazz routine was no exception. “We only have the six with us!” Karina protested, suggesting this was by no means Doug’s first broken prop. Her cartoonish, Mary Poppins-esque reaction to her unruly charge’s antics was practically perfect in every way.

I love how she got Doug back on track by playing his own game: stone-cold rationality in the face of frustration. “Did it take you two days…to become the legendary Doug Flutie?” she drawled, and the cane-breaker had no choice but to grimace in acknowledgement of the truth. No, ma’am. That took many days.

But hard work can’t save a low-wattage performer from the dreaded 6 paddle, so Doug packed up his oversize carpet bag and shuffled away from “Spoonful of Sugar” with a new prescription from Zendaya: to just lighten up already. Only on Planet Mirrorballus could a 19-year-old advise a finely aged national treasure to “channel all that aggression into Disney magic” without having another walking stick broken over her head. Never change, DWTS.

See you next week for The Switch Up with guest judge Maksim Chmerkovskiy — the one and only original ballroom-based Mowgli!

XOXO,
Fringe Fairy

Dancing with the Stars airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC