'Dancing with the Stars' Recap: Go, Pros!

True fans have always known who the real heroes are on Dancing With the Stars, but for one night only, production made it official: The few, the proud, Our Pros finally got the chance to shimmer in all their Hometown Glory on this unprecedented double-duty Week 2. Plus, the right couple headed home. All is well in the televised ballroom.

I’d like to say that what I’ll remember most about Triple Crown winner Victor Espinoza’s short time on the show is this passionate moment from a rumba honoring what a fiery rock star his partner Karina Smirnoff is.

But if I’m being honest, I’ll probably just remember this.

La Bamba!

Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhh-ber!

Tamar Braxton and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 25/30 Val’s Ukrainian parents dropped everything so their sons could make something of themselves in NYC. So why the heck is this lady messing with Our Pro’s right to sport my favorite male look on DWTS, Shirtless With Suspenders?

Again with the tongue! Val is certainly on a roll, even if his partner won’t agree to play characters with different morals than hers. Their bickering is cute for now, and tonight’s dynamic Charleston easily won the night, but pretty soon Tamar will need to get with the program and respect the rules of her new looser, more glittery atmosphere. Because you’re really not allowed to clutch your pearls on Planet Mirrorballus.

You’re supposed to wear them as a skirt.

Nick Carter and Sharna Burgess: 24/30 I was already in tears after learning that Sharna’s Australian dad and grandma are stuck on dialysis for kidney failure and have never seen her perform in L.A. (Damn you, mid-episode teasers, for making me hope for an on-screen reunion before I knew the full story.) But an early emotional investment shouldn’t diminish how this couple’s smoky blue foxtrot totally swept viewers away. Nick got out of his own head to protect Sharna and lead her home! Bruno said Nick’s arms reminded him of cranes swooping over a lake! The whole segment was just magical and bursting with love. And lanterns.

Andy Grammer and Allison Holker: 23/30 Allison totally takes the judges’ commentary seriously, don’t get her wrong — but Andy did not mess up that lift during their contemporary routine. Or did he? I thought the instant replay actually did confirm Bruno’s suspicion that the lift was a little shaky. There was so much else going on in the routine that it wasn’t really a make or break moment anyway. Andy performed well, but I couldn’t help wanting a smoother, more measured dance to match the slowed-down rendition they used of “Heaven Is a Place On Earth”.

I do think he should get extra credit for this, though, whatever it is.

Hayes Grier and Emma Slater: 23/30 These two continue to bravely handle “the language barrier,” as Tom hilariously put it, between Super Young American and Still Very Young British. It’s working: Their quickstep, set to Emma’s childhood obsession, Jet’s “Are You Gonna Be My Girl,” was absolutely Hayes’ best dance, according to Bruno. I admire how the Vine Star is all in on the crazy costuming — the Chuck Taylors worked, but his sequined jacket, gem-studded tie, and pink bedazzled pocket square were working even harder. Now he just needs to keep his bum in. Or as Judge Juli put it, “I still wanna get that booty and just smack it right under.”

To be fair, the abstract reptile on Julianne’s chest, fashioned from shards of her two coveted mirrorball trophies no doubt, would have had me hot and bothered all night, too.

Bindi Irwin and Derek Hough: 23/30 Bindi’s frustration revealed itself this week as “the fine mist over the top of the daisy meadow” that is her regular mind. Good God, child. This is you at your worst?! I really must go live in the zoo. It’s becoming so obvious. Anyway, eff that mist. Tuesday’s waltz about the time Derek was “sort of tormented” as a child wasn’t going to dance itself. Two became one in this gorgeous, perfectly paced routine. I truly believed Bindi and Derek were pretending to stare at the exact same conceptual blob of “all of the pain” somewhere in the near distance.

Yep. Definitely a match. Of course Lift Policewoman Inaba had to kill the happy couple’s buzz by knocking off a point because Bindi’s feet came off the ground. But whatever, that’s her job, and viewers generally don’t care about such technicalities. Take it from my father, who insisted via text message that the very way Derek and Bindi executed that lift was what made the dance look so good. Lebowski might say it really tied the room together. I wouldn’t be surprised if Derek orchestrated all of this on purpose, that madman!

Alexa PenaVega and Mark Ballas: 22/30 After a series of childhood photos confirmed that Mark has always preferred to dress in costume, Our Pro decided to dance a sexy rumba honoring his mom, a living legend sitting right there in the audience. Judging you. Alexa apparently did nail Shirley Ballas’ signature move, but her misplaced weight throughout the dance prevented any proper hip action. I really loved the dreamy simplicity of “Somewhere in Time,” one of the last songs Shirley and Mark’s dad danced to before they split up.

Alek Skarlatos and Lindsay Arnold: 22/30 Their “American Girl” romp wasn’t perfect, but boy did they look adorable in those relatively understated (in this universe, at least) flag costumes. And as Bruno pointed out, Alek was the only contestant in Week 2 to dance the quickstep on his toes instead of flat-footed. Let’s all agree to keep overestimating Alek against his own wishes.

Hey, how about a sobering reminder that some of Our Pros were 11 when they established a joint dream of pro-ing it up on Dancing With the Stars?

Eleven! I can’t even count that low!

Carlos PenaVega and Witney Carson: 21/30 The judges had no problem reminding Victor he was extremely short, but when a guy is merely short, like Carlos, it’s more polite to call him “squatty.” The foxtrot and cha cha had blended so thoroughly in Carlos brain — decidedly not a daisy meadow, more like a freshly watered crop of hair instead — that he’d forgotten which dance required bent knees. Not Tuesday’s. Chalk it up to the chaos of Week 2. “I need you to be big. Don’t shrink the package!” cried Carrie Ann following their “Hound Dog” cha cha.

Paula Deen and Louis Van Amstel: 18/30 Louis’ intro segment, chock full of photos of the Van Ponytail (R.I.P.) and his Broadway years, was a great reminder of what a small world this is and what a history-rich family Our Pros really are. Tony, Karina, Val, and Maks were some of Louis’ first students once he emigrated from Amsterdam. I love how he explained away his announcement that Paula had missed two steps in their tango: “The Dutch say it how it is.” So true! Paula is American, though, and so Bruno’s tailor-made recipe for how she can improve as a dancer was best conveyed in a riddle. “Keep boiling, but don’t spill over! Then you forget the steps. That’s right, like cooking. Keep the right temperature at all times.”

Kim Zolciak and Tony Dovolani: 18/30 Tony had never spoken on the show about growing up in war-torn Kosovo, but the time seemed right. Dance had always been his escape as a child, but until he came to America at age 13, “I didn’t realize the power of dance, the power to unite people from all walks of life.” Considering some of the random DWTS partners this saint has endured over the years, truer words have never been spoken. Well, until Bruno had the chance to chime in on Kim Zolciak’s confident but super-slow foxtrot performance: “We all like the new Kim: Refitted and definitely improved, like when you reupholster a sofa!”

Gary Busey and Anna Trebunskaya: 15/30 Well, her name used to be Anna; now it’s alternatively “Russia” or “From Russia, With Love” according to her partner. Unfortunately, Gary’s blissful belligerence against any layperson who doubts his ability to win the mirrorball could not translate into their “1812 Overture” paso doble honoring Ms. Tre-BUN-skaya’s roots. But the man remains deeply committed to the ballroom, “in jeopardy” status be damned. And at least the couple’s exquisite costumes made them look like authentic Russian knights.

Red velvet cake and a trash bag? Close enough.

What a whirlwind of a Week 2, DANCMSTRs! Two days is the new week for sure. Until next Tuesday, please enjoy this photo from Karina’s childhood, which doubles as a metaphor for Tuesday’s fallen couple.

From Santa Monica, with love,

Fringe Fairy

Dancing With the Stars airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.