How to Parent Together After You've Split
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Gwyneth Paltrow was all smiles introducing the surprise guest performer at the amFAR Inspiration Gala in Los Angeles last week. Gushing about the “brilliant singer-songwriter,” the actress boasted that the musician has sold 8 million records and won “every award imaginable, including Father of the Year, which he has won consecutively since 2004!” That’s right, the mystery man was none other than her ex, Chris Martin, from whom she “consciously uncoupled” after 10 years of marriage in March. But the harmony between the two, at least in public, is no surprise. Even when they split, the mother declared that she and Martin would be co-parenting their two children, Apple, now 10, and Moses, 8, and that they were in many ways “closer than we have ever been.”
Yet the reality of co-parenting to many of the 1.5 million children in the U.S. whose parents divorce every year isn’t nearly so goopy sweet. “The truth is people get divorced for a reason,” L.A.-based adolescent and family psychotherapist Katie Hurely told the Today show. “If parents aren’t willing to let go of that reason, they’re going to carry it with them — it will always be a hurdle.”
The secret to successful co-parenting post-divorce, according to divorcee and mother of three Deesha Philyaw, is a simple one that’s just really hard to execute: Become child centered.
“The key is to always think and act with the best interest of the children in mind,” Philyaw says. And she should know: The Pittsburgh writer penned ”Co-Parenting 101: Helping Your Kids Thrive in Two Households After Divorce” with her ex-husband Michael Thomas three years after their union dissolved in 2005. Yahoo Parenting enlisted Philyaw to share a few of the real-world strategies she and her family use to help you not just survive post-split, but thrive.
1. Honor your partner’s relationship with the kids
Even if you see red looking at your ex, Philyaw says you still have to respect his or her role as parent for the good of the family. “You’ve got to recognize that the person who hurt or betrayed you is still the mother or father to your child and that the child has a right to a guilt-free relationship with him or her,” she says. “Their relationship is separate from your situation.” Everything flows from that.
Exhibit A: no bad-mouthing. “Children identify with their parents, so hearing nasty things said about one of them can make them feel badly about themselves and confused,” she says. Exhibit B: Go so far as to actually give your child permission to enjoy their time with your ex. “Tell them, ‘Have a good time with dad, or mom,’” she recommends. “That’ll show them that they don’t have to feel conflicted about the person, or that they’re betraying you with them.”
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2. Seek Out Emotional Support
When you try to see things from your child’s eyes, it becomes clear they don’t want to know all the gory details of what went wrong. So keep on a brave face for the kids and model confidence, and “then you can collapse behind the closed door,” she counsels. After you’ve picked yourself up, go to a place outside of the family to vent and get support. Friends, a counselor, a support group, “any safe place to process all the things you’re feeling,” Philyaw explains. “So it’s not happening on your child’s back.”
3. Get organized.
Philyaw and her ex used to meet monthly to set their calendars and talk about the kids. Day-to-day logistics? There’s an app for that: iPhone’s Co-Parent Central, now in Beta. The technology promises to give parents the ability to create events, share and assign responsibility, and manage notifications to stay on the same page.
4. Give your ex leeway to do things differently.
It’s all too easy to devolve into an “I’m right, you’re wrong!” standoff when parenting is executed separately. “Just remember it’s okay to have different parenting styles, and you can’t insist the other person do things the way you want all the time,” notes Philyaw. Talk about differing expectations with a counselor or mediator if you need a referee. “The goal is to avoid the mindset of, ‘I’m the good parent, you’re the slacker,’” she says of managing discipline, homework, and chores. “Approach it as partners.”
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5. Don’t rush introducing a new love.
“The biggest mistake co-parents make is introducing a new partner too early,” says Philyaw. “If kids are still trying to adjust to the breakup, new living arrangements, and family dynamic, involving another person makes it really difficult for kids.” Not to mention how it impacts your ex’s feelings.“That’s when upset you may feel about your ex moving on comes out as co-parenting problems,” she explains. “Parents really need to examine their own feelings and keep those emotions separate from the kids.” And, like all aspects of raising children apart, she adds, “You really have to be willing to do the hard work.”
